


Echo

by Melpomene21, TinderWulf



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia, F/M, Post-War, Slow Burn, Torture, dead lovers, horrible flirting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-05 12:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17918990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melpomene21/pseuds/Melpomene21, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinderWulf/pseuds/TinderWulf
Summary: Suffering amnesia, Shepard spends her recovery desperate for any snippet of memory. But with everything she'd read on herself, she isn't sure if she wants to remember the pain.She distracts herself with awful flirting and bringing a smile to Admiral Hackett's face. Such a handsome face too, if only she knew exactly how to get him into bed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I really suck at summaries. They are awful. Anyway, this fic is a collab between myself and Mel, my favorite person to write with! Enjoy our most recent dive into this couples pool.
> 
> We own nothing but we very much enjoy playing with the characters.
> 
> * * *

Pain radiates from her ribs, the sting slowly spreading as the knife trailed across her skin leaving a shallow wound. It was another day of torture. At least she thought it was daytime. She’d had to go with her captor’s routine. As it was, they’d been at this for hours. It was always the same questions then the pain when she failed to answer to their satisfactory.

“The doctor said he doesn’t know how human amnesia works,” a rough voice whispered quietly. 

“She’s lying, she remembers,” another said, _The Torturer_ , his voice dripping with hate that made the hair on her neck stand on end and her muscles tense. 

“We pulled her from the rubble, you saw her injuries.” This alien was a softer spoken one. He was almost kind to her if not for the meticulous way he laid out the blades for his leader.

She listened intently, trying to put the pieces together. They kept calling her Shepard. Was that her name? Where is she? Were there people missing her? These people...were they male?

“I’m taking a break, keep questioning her,” the alien said, leaving her alone with the soft-hearted of the two as the guard followed _The Torturer_.

“Do you know who you are?” He asked gently. This had to be some kind of ploy to make her trust him. Good cop, bad cop.

“No,” she answered. 

“Do you know what year it is?”

She inhaled to answer, but the numbers never came. She knew they were numbers but what order? “No.”

“How old are you?”

Her age, that should be something that she should know. But she didn’t. Fear crept up her spine. “I don’t know.”

The alien sighed, “Do you know what species I am?”

“No.”

“I’m batarian and you’re human.” She knew she was human. Fair skinned from the looks of it. She didn’t know her hair color. It was too short to see and there were no mirrors in this hell hole. “Earth is beautiful,” the man whispered as he arranged blades on the table before turning his attention to her seeping wound. “Despite the destruction everywhere, it’s far different from my own home world.”

“How?” They kept talking of destruction. Surely something as big as they spoke of would be in her brain somewhere. Yet, nothing came to mind.

“The colors of your world are richer,” he answered easily. “Your people filled with hope I’ve never seen.” Another ploy to gain her trust no doubt. “And kindness my government said didn’t exist in humans.”

She was silent as he cleaned her wound though she really wanted to cry out. Her skin hurt everywhere. “How long have I been here?”

“Three Earth months,” he answered, his hand stilling. “They all think you’re dead.”

Despair filled her. Three months of this and no one had found her. No one was looking for her. Did that mean she had no family? Was she some criminal that warranted her being in this position? Did she deserve to be beaten and tortured?

“Listen, Shepard,” the batarian said, his ugly face leaning over her. “I’m doing what I can but I don’t know how much longer I can keep them from taking the torture to the next level.”

“I understand,” she answered evenly. She didn’t understand in the slightest.

“I suggest you keep what I say to yourself. Otherwise they’ll kill me and there will be no one trying to aid you.”

“I don’t trust you,” she told him. 

“Good, you shouldn’t trust anyone in this place,” he returned. “With the reapers dead, the batarian people are looking for someone to blame.”

Reapers? It sounded like every other action movie she’d ever seen. Except she can’t remember the movies themselves. Fucking shit this was frustrating. How could she remember some things, but not others? With the room quiet and the pain subdued, she concentrated on what she did know: She liked burgers. She disliked fish yet there was something about the smell of fish that made her smile internally. She knew she didn’t like fish because that was sometimes all she got to eat. And it was usually raw.

The sound of the creaky door opening brought her out of her empty mind. It was a different batarian this time. She hadn’t seen this one before. There was a weird black and yellow design on each side of his head. It was pretty distinctive from what she’d noticed thus far in her captors. Higher rank maybe?

“Who authorized this, Holick?”

“Jaacka,” her polite captor, _Holick_ , replied. “We found her in the rubble and he order her brought here three months ago.”

“Shepard,” the man addressed her. His top eyes narrowed as they swept her naked body. 

“Should I know you?” She asked. She was getting really tired of being called Shepard. All four of his eyes widened, his head jerking up to meet her eyes. Maybe she was supposed to know him.

“We have a past,” he told her carefully.

“And I’m guessing by the way I’m being treated that it’s a strained past, really fucking lovely.” She muttered. “Is my name really Shepard?”

“Yes,” he answered. “Holick, a word,” he said addressing the batarian next to her.

Shepard. If it was her name then why did she get annoyed when people called her that? Who the heck names their kid Shepard anyway? I mean, it was better than Susan or Petra, but still… Shepard seemed more like a surname instead of a first name. 

With a sigh, she ignored the muscle twitching in her arm. She could struggle against the binds but she knew they were secure above her head and she wasn’t moving. She learned not to ask for anything. Requests for water meant they would hold her head under water and laugh as she coughed and puked when they finally let her breathe. Requests for food was met with a plate of shit.

It wasn’t long after that the real torture started. There were burns and cuts all over her body. But they hadn’t raped her. 

Yet.

The way her torturer eyed her told her that being used for his wants wasn’t too far off. She needed to get the hell out of here.


	2. Chapter 2

Balak didn’t have to like the vile Spectre currently unconscious on the metal table. He certainly didn’t like watching _his_ Commander torture her with an open electric cord as her body bowed up off the table, the burnt skin making his skin crawl as electricity flowed through her body. It was odd to him to no longer have a taste for this.

Truth be told, he hated her more than anything. But if the Alliance ever caught wind of the torture she’d been subjected to over the last months, then every deal Balak was trying to forge with the humans would be gone. Every crate of medicine, every container of food…

He was all the batarian people had for leadership at the moment. They all looked to him for their most basic needs. Did he want to swallow his pride and ask the filthy humans for aid? No. 

Did he have to like how easily the humans of Earth had opened what was left of their homes for his people? No.

Humans were supposed to be selfish, vile creatures that stole everything from them. 

But the Hegemony had lied. 

Cold, harsh truths were all Balak knew now and sometimes he questioned his own sanity. His government had looked at him like a hero. But Shepard had looked at him the same way he looked at humanity. With hate and disgust.

He knew if he didn’t do something, all the help and kindness his people were receiving would disappear. He’d seen enough while battling on Earth to know just how dangerous a human could be. And how quickly they could shove a blade in his throat if provoked. Fear wasn’t something Balak was accustomed to. But that was exactly what he was feeling as he looked at a bruised and battered Shepard. Humanities war hero.

Amnesia.

That was the only point in his favor at this moment. She had no clue who he was. And looking at her as she stared at him blankly, he couldn’t help but notice how different she looked without all of her memories. Innocent, really. Like a child.

It made him sick. 

With a sigh, he told his brother to keep his mouth shut. Balak had a meeting with Admiral Hackett of the Alliance to secure their new _friendship_ as the batarians ships were repaired. The only way to deal with this was to kill his Commander, and his allies.

“Do you like your gift, General Balak?”

“Absolutely, Commander Jaacka,” Balak lied. “Have her bathed and dressed for me.”

“Of course,” the Commander replied.

“Jaacka? Untouched,” he threatened. “No one will have her until I do.”

Jaacka smiled with anticipation, “As you command.”

The Hegemony had fucked up their people. Balak wasn’t sure if the batarians could rise above the behavior they’d all been raised with their entire lives. Generations of slavers, including his own family. What was left of them anyway. 

His brother seemed to have softened during his stay with a human woman. It was some kind of old people’s home the woman was running. Balak could admit that watching Holick and the human female help the elderly was satisfying. Holick seemed to enjoy the work and the attention of the human.

“Tie her to my bed and leave her,” Balak ordered. How many times had he given the very same order? Only this time it left a foul taste in his mouth. Just as in the past, Balak’s brother would watch over his new plaything until he returned.

How the hell had they managed to keep Shepard in the same building as him without him knowing? How the hell was he going to explain this to humanities military leader without repercussions? Fuck he wished Holick had told him sooner.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been so long since she’d lay on anything other than a hard surface or cold floor. Laying on the bed, even tied down, made her throat clog with emotions as her body relaxed for the first time in months. 

The batarian, Holick, sat in a chair next to the bed, datapad in hand and pistol on his lap. “Sleep, Shepard.”

“So I can wake up to being raped?” She asked roughly.

“Not if I can help it,” he answered quietly. “Only Balak has the code to open the door. I’m here to make sure you are left alone as was ordered.”

“You have the code.”

“I do not,” he answered, two of his four eyes meeting her two. “I’m locked in here as well. My brother trusts me to protect your purity, as it were. I do not like to let him down.”

Were batarians supposed to be so well spoken? Why did it bother her that he was? 

Sleep wouldn’t be difficult, not since the mean one, Jaacka, kept her up for so long. The bed was soft and the air cool and clean. It was so much better than being in the basement. At least she thought it was a basement. The air had been wet and musky. To be honest, she was surprised she hadn’t gotten ill while being down there for so long.

She wanted to trust the kind captor, but something in the back of her mind kept poking through. _Trust no one, say nothing._ Had she been trained in being captured? Instinct said to continue to fight but her heart was trying to weasel its way into making decisions. She couldn’t help but think that she wasn’t that type of person: The kind to follow her heart.

Instinct it was then. That was probably the only thing keeping her alive right now. And being a _gift_ to the batarians superior. Once they were done with her though? 

She didn’t want to think about that.

* * *

“Wake up,” a rough voice called. Confusion filled her as gunfire erupted. “Shepard!”

“I’m awake,” she muttered.

“Help is coming,” he told her as he cut the ropes quickly and tossed them aside. 

“Help?” She repeated. She didn’t know anyone. They all thought she was dead….didn’t they? 

“Alliance and Balak,” he answered as he helped her sit up. 

“Alliance?” She asked weakly, her head spinning. They hadn’t fed her in several days. She wasn’t going to be able to stand. “I don’t understand,” she breathed, her eyes closed as she tried to gather herself.

“You will in due time,” he told her before lifting her in a bridal carry. “All you need to know is they are coming to save you.”

_Save me._ She repeated over and over. It was an odd play of words. _Save me, save me, save me…_

_Save them. Save them. **Save them.**_ That felt familiar. Very familiar in fact, like the buzzing in her forehead held a secret she desperately needed to know. But it was gone before the blur could clear.

“As soon as Balak opens the door, we’re rushing you to a medical team,” he told her calmly. Her heart was racing, how could he be so calm in all the chaos she could hear?

“Calm down, breathe,” he told her with a smirk. “You used to do this for a living.”

“Be a damsel in distress?” She asked. “Not exactly profitable.”

“No,” he told her with quiet laughter. “Be a hero, Shepard.”

Yeah, right. Every round fired made her blood rush through her veins and her heart race faster. _A hero_ wouldn’t be freaking out on the inside like she was about to implode. She’d be out in the thick of things. Hiding was just fine to her.

* * *

True to the batarian’s word, there was a human medical team waiting outside the building. Men and women alike whispered her name like a prayer.

“Do I know all these people?” She asked her former captor as he carried her through armed and armored people, all staring at her in shock.

“No, but everyone knows who you are,” he answered. “Commander Shepard, Alliance Special Forces, Spectre. _You_ are a legend.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” she said as he handed her over to a doctor.

“It will eventually,” he told her, giving her hand a squeeze and a pat before he turned on his heel.

Then he was gone. Her only familiar face gone. Her body tensed when the shuttle fired up. Special Forces, yeah. She was too damn jumpy to be military. “Wait,” she whispered as heaviness settled on her chest. She couldn’t breathe.

She grunted when she felt the sting in her neck. Faces became colorful blurs as their words faded into nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

**7 Earth Days Later**

The hospital room was a million times better than her prison had been. But she was ready to break the fuck out. 

“I want to leave,” she repeated threateningly. “And I will since I am no longer a captive.”

“Please, Commander,” the redhead said with a sigh. “Just a little longer. The Admiral will be here soon to collect you.”

“I’m not some treasure to be collected, Doctor.”

Shepard’s body tensed when the room door swished open. “Oh, thank goodness. Take her, I can’t deal with her anymore.”

The man’s humored chuckled filled her core with warmth. That was strange. “It’s good to know some things haven’t changed. Shepard, do you know who I am?” He asked as the door closed behind the doctor.

Being free from torture had opened her personality up a bit. She couldn’t help but enjoy it a little. She briefly wondered if she was always so cheeky. “A sexy piece of ass that I hopefully sleep with frequently?” The man’s brows shot up. So…that’s awkward. She was sure by the way her body reacted to him that they were intimate. Apparently not. “Well…that suck’s for me.”

“I’m Admiral Hackett,” he answered with a smirk. “Your commanding officer.”

“Commanding officer? Does the Alliance make all of you delectable? If so, I’d like to retire, please.”

“I really couldn’t say, Shepard,” he replied with mirth. “And I don’t think you should make future plans until we get your head on straight.”

“What do you mean?”

“No retirement to sleep through the ranks until you have your memory back,” he told her. 

“They said I might never get it back.” If that was true, then what was the nagging feeling she was having a week ago?

“We’ll cross that bridge if we get there, now come with me. I’ve got your apartment cleaned up.”

“You clean, too? You sure we aren’t sleeping together?” She asked him, confused. What the hell was her mind and body trying to say?

“I’m sure I’d remember if we had,” he replied. “I am glad to know your bluntness hasn’t diminished with your memories.”

“Could you stop talking?” _It gets me all hot and bothered on top of the confusion…_

“There something you want to tell me, Shepard?” He asked her.

“If there is I don’t know what the fuck it is,” she muttered. It was right there but no matter how hard she concentrated on it, the memory or feeling didn’t move. It didn’t become clear. It just sat there like a fat kid waiting for another slice of cake. She growled in annoyance. Why couldn’t it just pop in and say hello. She’d take a fragment, a feeling…anything! Especially where this hunk of an Admiral was concerned. “And you’re sure we aren’t having sex? Because I feel like we have.” And now she wanted cake like the fat kid.

“Positive. Our relationship is strictly professional.”

“Well, damn,” she complained. His laughter made her shiver. He noticed. Her eyes narrowed when he smirked at her. Fucker was playing games with her. How rude, especially in her current state.

“Now, I’m in the apartment next door to you. There’s one elevator to the floor and only our apartments reside on that floor,” he told her as his fingers flew over the transport controls.

With a sigh she tried to remember this apartment he continued to talk about. Someone named David had given it to her. David was dead. 

“Am I married?” She blurted out. “Do I have children? Do I have any family?”

“Single, as far as I know.” Big surprise there….not. “Two children.” Rocking the single mom job, got it. “Family… none outside your crew that I’m aware of. But Shepard, these are questions to ask someone closer to you. As I said, you and I are colleagues only.”

“Where’s my crew then?”

“Unknown but alive.”

“Who are my children? Are they alive?” She asked.

“Urdnot Grunt, krogan, and Kolyat Krios, drell.”

Krogan sounded familiar. Drell…weren’t they rare? “How did I get them?”

“Grunt was part of your crew on a former mission. He’s young and took to you as his Mother. Kolyat…” When he paused she looked over at him. His eyes met hers briefly. Whatever he was about to say wasn’t good news. “You were in a relationship with Thane Krios, Kolyat’s father.” _Were?_ “And Thane died in the war.”

_Oh._ “Did I love him?”

“Shepard…”

“Did I?”

“Yes,” he answered. “And he loved you.”

She’d lost a mate she couldn’t remember during a war she had supposedly won. She kind of didn’t want her memories back if all it was going to bring was pain. But then again… “My children, where are they?”

“Waiting for you at your apartment,” he told her. 

That was some good news at least. “Do they know I can’t remember anything?”

“Yes.”

Swallowing her relief, she decided she didn’t really want to feel anything depressing. Her situation had improved dramatically over the last week since she’d been rescued. “You sure we aren’t having sex? Cuz, I’d devour you in a heartbeat.”

“Shepard,” he groaned, but she could see the humor in his eyes. “You’re just as horrible as I remember.”

“Is that a good thing, Admiral Sexy Pants?”

“The best,” he told her with a small smile. “We’ve all missed you, Shepard. The whole galaxy.” 

“Wish I could say the same, but I honestly don’t know who or what I miss.” Her shoulders slumped in defeat. “I don’t even know my favorite color.”

“Black,” he answered. “There was a requisition for bedding. It had been fulfilled incorrectly several times before my assistant brought it to my attention.” Bedding? That’s weird. “In the notes on the return you said something like: _My favorite color is black you dumbfucks. Give me what I ordered or I will paint my walls with you!_ ”

“That’s very specific,” she replied, feeling a little embarrassed.

“Yes, well, you aren’t a fan of pastel’s and the group filling your order thought it would be funny to give you pink.”

“Did I get my black bedding?”

“Yes, I handled it myself.” 

“How?” She inquired curiously.

The Admiral smirked, “I gently reminded them that Spectre’s are above the law and aren’t charged with shooting a person. Or ‘painting the walls with their insides’.”

Shepard couldn’t help but chuckle roughly at the mental image. That would be pretty funny to witness. Were Spectre’s above the law? If so, did she go around killing people? Her mood quickly dampened at the thought.

Damn it she hadn’t meant to get back to the emotional bullshit. Getting by with flirting and smartass remarks had been working just fine.

* * *

The children she’d apparently adopted were grown-ass adults. And they were living with her? What the hell kind of mother was she? They looked at her, both hesitant to meet her eyes as she took them in. 

They both _looked_ healthy. That was good enough for her for the moment. She opened her arms, suddenly realizing that maybe drell and krogan didn’t hug like humans. But she was wrong. They were in her space in seconds.

When they hugged her, she was overcome with love and a calm she didn’t know existed. She cried as emotions overwhelmed her, but her boys didn’t say anything. They only hugged her closer. They could live with her her entire life and she’d be perfectly okay with that. 

_That_ was the kind of mother she wanted to be.


	5. Chapter 5

“I need you to look at each holo and place them in a column. How you label the columns is your choice.”

She had been dragged out of her apartment for brain exercises by Admiral _I want to fuck him so bad_ Hackett. 

It had been several weeks since she’d returned to her apartment. It had left her feeling a little melancholy if she was honest. Her boys were fantastic. That wasn’t the issue. 

The problem was, she’d spent hours reading through new and old messages trying to remember anything. She’d read a datapad from her late lover. She’d watched a series of vids he’d left her. She looked through hundreds of holos of people she couldn’t recognize and a woman that only resembled the reflection she saw now. Then there was this whole clone business. Was she her clone? Was she the evil being that tried to steal the _Normandy_? Why was her hair so short?

“Shepard,” Hackett said, snapping his fingers in front of her face.

“Am I the clone?”

“What?” He asked, shock quickly masked on his face. “No, I made damned sure. You are you.”

She nodded and began the exercise while he returned to his desk. These people were supposed to be familiar she assumed. They weren’t other than the holo’s in her apartment. Even her own children weren’t familiar to her. 

“Why do you want me to have my memory back so bad? Everything I’ve seen and read say I’ve suffered a great deal.”

“Just do the exercise, Shepard, and let me work.”

With a sigh she picked up a holo. There were no names attached. Just a profile holo. She worked slowly as she looked over each holo and took in every detail on their faces before placing them in a column of her choosing. Hackett probably wouldn’t be too happy with her column names, but he’d just have to suck it up. There had been no memory fragments at all since she’d awakened in the prison. It was likely she would never remember.

“Why is your holo mixed in?”

“I didn’t put that together,” he answered not bothering to look up.

“No surprise here, I don’t remember you,” she muttered before placing his holo in a column. “I’m done.”

She waited for him to finish what he was doing before he joined her. “What’s is this set?”

“People that make me want to throat punch them,” she told him. 

“Shepard,” he scolded before sighing. “Fine, and this one?”

“Secret hiders.” The blue… asari looked like she had a lot of secrets.

“Next.”

She wondered if he knew all the people he was scanning over. “Sexy studs.” She pointed to another set, “Grew up too young.” Then another, “Suffered great loss, and that one for the smarty pants. The last one I had no thoughts or feelings about.”

“Why is my holo alone?”

“Oh that’s my potential bed partner column,” she told him. “I’m assuming all these people are my crew so until I figure some things out I think it best not to add them to that set.”

“How’d you know these were your crew?”

“Because there’s holos all over my apartment,” she answered. “In fact, you are the only one I don’t have a holo of so I think I’ll hold on to this one.” He shook his head. “Now, other than Thane, which ones have I lost?”

“That’s for another day.”

“Tell me,” she commanded, her playful voice turned flat in an instant. It almost scared her how easy it was. Her heart felt like it skipped a beat for each holo he slid in front of her. She waited patiently until he was done. “I’ll start with these, I need their files please.” The salarian staring up at her made her ears buzz. “Scientist salarian,” she whispered. “I am the very model of a scientist salarian,” she sang quietly making Hackett stiffen next to her. “Had to be me,” she said as a tear slid free, her finger tracing the broken horn on the holo. “Someone else might’ve gotten it wrong.”

“Shepard?”

“I loved him like a father,” she said. “He sang for me. Sacrificed himself to right a wrong. That’s all I remember.” Her omnitool beeped with incoming files. “Why can I remember him and not Thane? Or my own children?”

“I don’t know,” Hackett answered as he squeezed her shoulder. It brought her very little comfort. 

 

“Why is my hair so short?” She asked him as an afterthought.

“They shaved your hair off when they found you,” he answered. “Holick said much of it was singed.”

“Oh,” she answered dumbly. How did her hair get singed? “Well, does it look bad?”

“I’m not a fan of the short cut, but it looks good on you,” he told her. “Do you plan to grow it back out?”

There were only a couple inches of hair. Three months worth, she supposed. “I don’t know.” It was an odd thing to feel upset about. It was just hair. It grew back. With a sigh, she turned her attention back to the holo’s in front of her.

There was heartbreak in her future. But she wanted to get through the dead first. She had to. She didn’t know why she wanted to get the hard part done first, but her gut told her it was important.

“Your team of doctors aren’t going to be happy about me giving you all this,” he told her as he gathered holos, minus his. He left it sitting in front of her. 

“I don’t give a flying pyjack what they think,” she answered. “You know me better than they do.”

“I know, and that’s the only reason I gave in.”

Changing the subject, and the tone, because she didn’t feel comfortable showcasing her feelings as much as she already had, she met his eyes. “I’m hungry, can I have you for lunch?”

It was fun surprising a rough chuckle from him. Something told her he didn’t smile very often. “I’m afraid I’m not on the menu.”

“Bummer,” she flirted shamelessly. “One of these days you’ll find my horrible seduction skills too good to resist.”

He snorted, actually snorted. “Doubtful.”

“Ouch! You damaged my ego!”

“Also, doubtful.”

“You’re right,” she replied with a smile.

* * *

Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

That was all she could say to herself over and over again as she cried in her closet. Mordin, dead. Legion, dead. David, Kelly, Gardner, Jacob, Kaidan… Dead, dead, dead, dead, and dead. 

And it hurt, fuck it hurt so much. 

But they weren’t the worst, even remembering the round that left _her_ pistol. The shot that killed David. It was the memory of Thane getting stabbed that was breaking her. It just replayed constantly in her mind.

That was it. Memories of how they all died. Nothing on how they all lived.

Explosion over a planet. Sea shells. Dark tunnels littered with bodies. A disfigured human in black.

Each death came with its own set of feelings. Painful feelings. Regret, understanding, anger…

But Thane had been pure fear.

Utter devastation. 

Which was why she was in the fetal position inside her closet hiding under the weapons table while sobbing. She didn’t want the boys to hear her. And she needed to work through this pain, she knew she did. Thane had been gone for quite some time. 

Some legend she was.

Heroes weren’t broken by heartache, yet here she was unable to lift herself off the floor as she drowned in her sorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

“What do you want for lunch, Shepard?”

“Nothing, but thanks,” she answered as she stared out at the Presidium. She was feeling kind of numb as she continued to process the people she lost. It was weird. She didn’t remember them but she remembered the overwhelming feeling of love and loss. She should have started with someone alive instead of rushing through files of those that died just hoping for a memory. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she lied. 

“Do you remember me then?”

“No,” she answered. She could feel the weight of his eyes on her, but she didn’t turn to meet them. Why was he making her come to his office every day when all she did was sit around? Kolyat was at work with C-Sec and Grunt was helping out down on the planet. Ah, she thought. He was her babysitter. “Tired of babysitting me yet?” She asked bitterly. 

“You hardly need babysitting, Shepard,” his reply came. She could tell he chose his words carefully. He was lying. 

“Don’t lie to me, Admiral,” she told him as she glared at him. His shoulders slumping made her mood darker. 

“I forgot that you’re a human lie detector,” he admitted. 

She was too tired to deal with the crap. “I’m going home,” she told him. His argument was cut down with her steely glare. They were all treating her like she was a damn child. Maybe it wouldn’t be so aggravating if she actually knew exactly who they all were. Instead, she was left with a completely blank slate where each person was concerned. 

“Shepard, please,” he called as he stood from his chair.

How the hell did his voice make her feel like there were butterflies in her stomach at the same time she was mourning a lost love and wanting to knock the Admiral out? How did he do that? It was unfair, and if she was honest, it made her feel a little guilty.

* * *

If Hackett was going to have her followed, he needed better soldiers. These two didn’t know how to blend in to save their lives. Why she noticed so easily, she didn’t know. Special Forces she supposed. Habit, instinct…

 

_  
Shepard: Find better people to follow me. _

_ Hackett: How long did it take you to notice? _

_ S: The second I stepped foot out of your office without you. I may not remember anything about myself, my job, or other people, but I’m not fucking stupid. _

_ H: They aren’t there to babysit, Shepard. Merely to keep anyone threatening at bay. _

_ S: Whatever. _

_ H: What’s going on? I was looking forward to your horrible advances today. _

_ S: Nothing. _

_ H: Now you’re lying to me. _

_ Shepard has signed off. _

 

Her pain was her own. She refused to share it. With her babysitters trailing her, she decided that a walk through the Presidium didn’t sound as great as it originally had. Instead, she boarded a transport and set the address to home. Oddly enough it made her feel like a prisoner again. Just without the physical torture.

Though she wasn’t sure this was any better.


	7. Chapter 7

The handsome man at her bar wept without censor. He and her had to have been close for him to be so comfortable around her. Other than knowing his face from the holos, she didn’t know anything about him. 

Shepard cleared her throat, “I’m sorry, but…”

“Oh,” he said before wiping his face on his shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m just so relieved that the rumors were true. I know you don’t remember me. Stings a little, but you can’t fix it like you do everything else in the galaxy.” Blue eyes looked back up at her, relief clear on his features. “I’m Steve Cortez and I’m your shuttle pilot.”

She stared at him, hoping that the little bit of information would trigger something like when she read the files on her dead friends. But it didn’t. Her heart ached.

“I don’t remember,” she told him. “I’m sorry.” And she was. 

“It’s okay,” the man said with a small smile. “I know you better than most, so maybe I can help you. Or at the very least, keep you company.”

“Did Hackett bring you in to babysit me?”

Cortez chuckled, “No and I told him you wouldn’t take to that very well.” Cortez rose from the barstool, “And I can cook your favorite meal.”

“I have a favorite meal?” Why was all of this so hard to accept? People knew her better than she knew herself but wasn’t that how it normally was with friends? Maybe it was so hard to take in because she knew _nothing_ about herself.

“You have a few, but fried chicken with all the fixings tops the list,” he told her as he pointed to the stool at the kitchen bar. “Admiral Hackett went shopping for me so I know I have everything I need to prepare your feast.”

“Do you always spoil me?” She asked him as he worked. He flowed through her kitchen like he’d cooked in there before. Hell, he probably had.

“Of course, Shepard. But only because you spoil us,” he replied.

Shepard had to admit that everything was smelling wonderful. Her stomach growled with an intensity she hadn’t felt since the first time the batarians denied her food. Steve Cortez: Pilot, Widower, and apparently a cook.

Wait…

“Steve,” she said softly, his name rolling off of her tongue like she’d said it that way before. “You’re a widower,” she said when he looked up at her. Her heart raced as her mind buzzed… “Robert?”

“Yes,” He confirmed. 

There was more, she could feel it. But as quickly as it came, it was gone. She sighed in frustration as she rubbed her eyes. It was probably for the best that it only came back snippets at a time, but damn it was infuriating.

“It was because of you that I was able to move forward,” he told her as he gripped her hand. “And why I dropped everything when Thane passed.”

“You’re my brother,” she surmised.

“Honored to be, Shepard.”

She was confusing herself about herself. She was a horrid flirt and a bitch according to some interviews. Her humor could use some work and her bedside manner was atrocious. She had the hots for Hackett but kept him at arm’s length for reasons she didn’t know yet. 

Then there was this sweet man in front of her cooking her favorite meal which shows that she had some kind of warmth she shared. Kolyat and Grunt were damn good kids from what she’d seen so far, but they’d been busy. When they were home, they were sleeping so she didn’t get to have a serious conversation with them like she had with Steve. 

Maybe it was their shared loss that brought them closer together. 

The tension in her shoulders slowly faded as savory aromas filled the apartment. It was relaxing watching the man work in the kitchen. Did she know how to cook? A sandwich, definitely. She got that down to a science. But a feast like this…she didn’t feel like she knew what he was doing so she was going to go with a resounding ‘no’.

Maybe if she read their files? Surely she had clearance to read her living crew’s files. She’d message Hackett after dinner. 

“Is it done yet?” She asked cheekily. Laughter poured from her mouth at his unamused look of exasperation. She must have asked that question a lot.

* * *

_  
Shepard: I need my crew’s files please. _

_ Hackett: Why? _

_ S: To help me remember. I need a file for you, too. _

_ H: Only a few at a time. _

_ S: Fine. Do I have a first name? Maybe you should send me my file, too. _

_ H: Jane Shepard. And your file is mostly blacked out because of your classified work so I doubt it will help. _

_ S: Jane. Why doesn’t anyone call me that? _

_ H: Because you’re military. _

_ S: What’s your name? _

_ H: Steven _

_ Shepard has changed Admiral Hackett’s nickname to Steven.  
Admiral Hackett has changed Commander Shepard’s nickname to Jane. _

_ Steven: Does that make you feel better? _

_ Jane: I don’t know. _

_ S: What do you know? _

_ J: My favorite meal is fried chicken and ‘all the fixings’, which apparently is a shit ton of carbs. I’m in a food coma and my stomach hurts. _

_ S: You ate too much. _

_ J: I couldn’t help it, it was really good. _

_ S: Anything else? _

_ J: I mourned Thane before he was killed but I can’t remember why. _

_ S: He was dying from Kepral’s Syndrome. A lung disease. _

_ J: Mordin wanted to study sea shells for retirement. David was like a father to me. Legion was odd but I adored him. Kaidan… Thane wasn’t the first man I cared about to die. Jacob had a baby on the way. _

_ S: I can check on Jacob’s partner if you’d like? _

_ J: Sure, I guess it’ll be good to have the information if I remember who I am.  _

_ S: You will. _

_ J: What are you doing? _

_ S: Going to bed. _

_ J: Naked? _

_ S: Shepard. _

_ J: What? I’m lonely.  _

_ S: Your children should be home. _

_ J: They’re sleeping. I can hear Grunt snoring all the way upstairs. He forgot to activate the sound barrier. Why don’t you come visit me, I know how to activate a sound barrier. _

_ S: Goodnight, Jane. _

_ J: Ugh. Is it too much to ask for you to stroke my ego a little? I know I’m stroking yours. _

_ S: I missed this indecent side of you. Surprisingly.  _

_ J: I’ll just hire a professional then. If it’s all over the news, it’s because you refused to succumb to my wooing. _

_ S: Wooing? I don’t recall you doing any wooing.  _

_ J: You are insanely attractive, you smell so damn good, I wouldn’t mind getting on my knees for you… _

_ S: Was that wooing? _

_ J: It would seem that’s the best I got. Did it work? _

_ S: Sorry, Jane. Though I did laugh. _

_ J: Well that certainly doesn’t stroke my ego, Steven.  _

_ S: I’m sorry. I’ve never met anyone quite like you. This side of you is also very interesting and entertaining. I’m used to respect and ‘Yes, Sir’. _

_ J: I can play at being a good soldier if that’s what rocks your ship. _

_ S: You are a good soldier. You don’t have to play at it. You do however need sleep. _

_ J: No chance I’m getting a piece, eh? _

_ S: Goodnight again, Jane. _

_ J: Night Admiral Sexy Pants. _

* * *

For some reason, she couldn’t help but think that wooing just wasn’t her style. How the hell did Thane love her? She was obnoxious. Perverted, obscene, and highly annoying. That didn’t seem very attractive to her. Maybe she needed a different tactic to get into the Admiral’s pants. 

Great, her memory issues aren’t bothering her anymore. Now it was trying to persuade Steven that she was worth putting up with. Who was she kidding? She was trying to use the man to forget about forgetting. But damn it, she really did have a crush on him.

* * *

It was three in the morning and she was still wide awake. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. Sleeping problems certainly wouldn’t help the memory loss. 

She’d lain awake forever. Kolyat had already left for his shift at C-Sec. Grunt would be up and gone catching his transport to Earth to help with cleanup. She would be here alone and wondering why the fuck her mind refused to just relax.

She’d read, played relaxing games, watched a documentary, but none of it helped. 

The pinging of her omnitool brought her out of her thoughts. It looked like a few files from Hackett. That meant he was awake, too.

* * *

_  
Jane: You should be sleeping._

_Steven: So should you._

_J: In all seriousness, I haven’t gone to sleep yet. This is probably a really weird question but can you come snuggle me and see if it knocks me out?_

_S: Sedative?_

_J: Took it. Twice. Anymore is too dangerous my doctor said._

_S: Are you okay?_

_J: I’m going to cry if I don’t get some sleep soon._

_S: How long has this been going on?_

_J: About a month. Once I was fully recovered from being captive. Can you help me or not?_

_S: I’ll be over in a minute._

_J: Thank you._

* * *

She wasn’t kidding when she said she was close to tears. Mostly it was frustration and desperation. Did she want to have sex with Steven? So much yes. But sleep was the immediate priority. 

When he slid into bed next to her, she was surprised. She hadn’t heard him. She didn’t even know he had access to her apartment. 

“Don’t tell anyone?” She asked him as she rolled and pressed her cheek against his shoulder.

“Not a soul, Jane,” he answered roughly.

“Will you tell me about your life?” His quiet voice soaked into her with the warmth from his body. Taking a chance, she laid a tentative hand onto his chest. The Admiral didn’t protest and she enjoyed feeling the rumble of his words tickle against her palm. She didn’t know how long he spoke but she tried to listen to the details of his life. She didn’t know who he was or why he made her heart flutter, but she felt safe.

Maybe safety was all she needed, she thought as her eyes grew heavy.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of late in the day update. I don't sleep well when the pain is so intense. I'm in zombie mode.
> 
> * * *

__

_Shepard,_

_We were told that this might help you in some way. So, here it goes (even if it’s a little weird):_

_My name is Garrus Vakarian. You and I met in 2183 when you were looking for evidence against Saren that I was supposed to be gathering (Red tape). Fast forward through some details, you took me onto your Alliance ship as the brand new human Spectre. The first to do both. You taught me a lot during our hunt for Saren. I’m not easy to teach, but you did the ‘Shepard’ thing and got through my stubborn brain._

_During our hunt for the Collectors, you went from being my Commander to being my best friend. The best I’ve ever had._

_During the Reaper War, we leaned on each other a great deal. Oh, I should mention, you went against protocol and made me your XO. On an Alliance ship. You know style when you see it._

_Tali says hi and that she misses you. She has her nose in engineering, as usual. We’ll be home soon and our communications seem to be holding so you should hear back from me before we get home.._

_Truth be told, I’m glad you’re alive. Relieved. After all we’ve been through, I’d like to see you enjoy life after war. And maybe that vacation we talked about. A beach, the hot sun, sand, and sniping competitions. You can play in the water by yourself so you don’t have to save my ‘spikey ass’._

_See you soon,  
Your Stylish BFF_

* * *

Shepard smiled. It seemed she had good taste in friends. The war ended in 2187. That meant she knew this turian for four years. And in those short years, he’d become an important part of her crew. He had to be important if she made him her executive officer.

While she really wanted to know all the details surrounding her missions, she thought it was more important to try to remember her crew first. 

Garrus and Tali. She would focus on those two today. Perhaps it would help her keep her mind off of Steven. Waking up in her empty bed had been a little disheartening. That had been a week ago. She’d barely slept since then but she didn’t want to ask for help again. He didn’t seem the type to do the relationship thing. It would be best if she just shut those feelings of safety down. 

Pulling up the file on Garrus, she began to read through it. With him being turian, it was pretty long with former postings and job experiences. He even had a list of recommendations from before his time in C-Sec. There were a few formal complaints about him not following a few orders, but she didn’t get the feeling she had any issues with him. Had she read this before or had she just trusted her gut? There was no telling. She was learning just how unpredictable she was.

By the time she finished it, it was closing in on two in the morning. Kolyat had stuck his head in around midnight to let her know he was off to work. Grunt had ended up taking a bunk in a rest center on Earth for the night. Shepard felt sorry for anyone who had to bunk with him. Hopefully it was another krogan. 

The ping of her omnitool made her jump. Some special forces soldier she was.

* * *

_Steven: Are you awake?_

_Jane: Are you naked?_

_S: Are you?_

_J: I can be._

_S: I know._

_J: Shouldn’t you be sleeping and leaving the bad flirting to me?_

_S: I haven’t heard from you in a week and I was worried._

_J: Kolyat told you I was awake when he left for work._

_S: That, too. You know you can tell me when you need help going to sleep._

_J: Only when I’m desperate. Otherwise, I’ll spend the whole time trying to get your pants off._

_S: It’s so strange experiencing this side of you first hand. Normally, I see it in your helmet footage._

_J: I can suppress it if it’ll make things normal for you._

_S: I’d prefer you didn’t. It’s rather amusing._

_J: I wonder if I’ve ever had to work this hard to get a man in my bed._

_S: Didn’t hire your professional?_

_J: I didn’t find my choices very alluring. I could’ve gone with a turian but have I ever slept with one? I don’t know._

_S: So you looked?_

_J: Yes. Not into asari apparently. The human men looked younger than me. Are you going to come climb in my bed or not? I’ve got appointments tomorrow._

_S: I’m walking up your stairs now._

_J: Oh._

* * *

“You really looked for a professional prostitute?” He asked as soon as he entered her room.

“You make it sound so bad. They’re working for a living too.”

A loud yawn left her as she tried to clean up datapads from her covered lap. Blinking away the tears the yawn left her with, she shrugged her shoulders and pushed the mess to the floor. She’d deal with it after she got some sleep. 

Steven called for lights out as soon as he’d slipped under her covers. Once again she sprawled across him as he began to talk; the low rumble lulling her into relaxation. It was a nice feeling, but he seemed oblivious of its effect on her. He didn’t even touch her outside of his hand on her shoulder. 

In this position, she didn’t even want to propose deviant positions or tease raunchy thoughts. She just wanted to lay there and soak up the man that was against her.

* * *

Movement brought her into awareness far quicker than she thought it should. But they did keep telling her that she was some kind of big hero and apparently that had come with a fair amount of military training. Steven was pushing her off of him, likely to get up and leave. 

Hair tickled her nose as she rolled onto her back. His soft chuckle sent electricity to her core before she felt the pads of his fingers carefully moving the hair off of her face. With him so close, it was easy to just lift her head and press her lips to his. 

Steven’s mouth opened for her. Whether it was to scold her or not, she didn’t know, but she didn’t waste it either. Falling back against the pillow, she gently pulled him with her. She couldn’t stop the moan when their tongues met. The first taste of the Admiral. His body stiffened over hers a second before he pulled away as if she’d bit him. 

“No,” he said roughly as he moved from the bed. “I’m sorry.”

She licked her lips, trying to fight down the pain rising to her throat. “It’s okay.” It wasn’t, but she’d pushed. It was her own fault. It was her own damn fault. 

Silence was left in his wake. The only sound outside of the recycled air was her own heartbeat in her ears. 

She didn’t go back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Four days after the kiss that kicked her sex drive up a notch and she was still avoiding him. She’d been nothing but professional which was met with the normal memory questions. No, she still didn’t remember him. Yes, she wanted to taste him again. No, it was no longer an option.

Perhaps that was why she felt like she’d kept him at arm’s length. Maybe he just didn’t feel the same?

Instead of wasting her time trying to sort through the mountain of bullshit she was feeling, she decided catching up on her Spectre stuff was probably a better use of energy. She’d been putting it off because she had no memory of the work she’d done for the Council. Hell, she didn’t even remember the Council. 

Now she was sitting in a meeting room she didn’t recognize with people that were strangers to her. They kept apologizing for bothering her during her recovery but they had an emergency.

“Just get to the damn emergency,” she growled when the asari apologized again.

Thankfully, the turian cut in and got down to the problem at hand. Shepard needed to go rescue some batarian, Balak, from extremists. She remembered Balak from the last part of her imprisonment. It sounded like his own people were upset about his part in getting her back to the Alliance. 

They wanted her to take care of the extremists. Like she hadn’t lost her memory at all. She agreed knowing full well she didn’t even know if she could hold a gun. But maybe it would help her. Maybe it wouldn’t and she’d be killed. 

Only time would tell.

Once she was back at her apartment, she called up one of her supposed former crew that she knew was nearby.

[Well if it ain’t the Queen herself,] came a rough accented greeting.

“I don’t remember you, just for the record. But I need a team. So is all that weapons porn you sent me for show or do you know how to use it?”

[Daft bitch,] he growled with a vicious smile. [I know how to use it. Who’s our third?]

Third? Two wasn’t enough? She better just roll with it. “I’m asking Grunt.”

[Hah! This’ll be a goddam cakewalk!]

_Okay…._ “Meet me at this docking bay,” she told him before sending the coordinates to the shuttle the Council had on hold for her. “We’re going to Earth to save Balak and kill off some batarians.”

[Back to being bloody damn heroes,] he grumbled before cutting the call. 

This was probably going to be the most stupid thing she’d ever done. She’d decide for sure once she remembered all the stupid things she’d done. As it was, she was having to give herself one helluva pep talk. 

_Don’t be jumpy, just breathe when the gunfire starts, and for fuck’s sake don’t hide!_

If anyone ever learned that she did an extranet search on how to put on armor, she knew her reputation would be up in smoke. But she did, and she was still so utterly confused.

Putting a call in to her neighbor, she waited in hopes that he was free enough to help her. And that he wasn’t upset about her crossing a line.

[Everything okay?] Steven asked. He looked concerned.

“I don’t remember how to put my armor on and I need it on now,” she told him evenly. “Can you help me real quick, I’ve got places to be.”

[If you can’t remember then you don’t need to be going anywhere where you need armor, Shepard.]

She rolled her eyes, but noticed he was moving. “It’s for the Council, you don’t get a say. That much I remember.”

The call cut off as soon as he entered her room. “What are you doing?”

“Rescuing Balak,” she answered. Was she allowed to tell him what she was doing for the Council? Probably not. When his hand froze over her spandex suit, she raised a brow. “What?”

“You need to read up on your history with Balak.” He lifted the spandex, “Strip to your underwear.”

“I’m not going to read up on it because I need to do this without emotions getting in the way. I have a job to do, afterall.” The suit was tight, was it supposed to be tight? “He saved my life and I need to return the favor.”

Steven had her in her armor in minutes and he made it look so simple. On the weapons bench lay her assault rifle, a pistol, and an SMG. One-by-one she lifted them with practiced ease, inserted a thermal clip, prepped it, and put it on her armor. “I can do that with no issue, but I can’t figure out armor? I’m getting real tired of this selective memory bullshit.”

“You aren’t ready for this.”

“Who is ready for anything, really?” She asked him. “Was I ready to say goodbye to my friends? Thane? No, I can tell you I wasn’t which is why the pain was so intense when I remembered their deaths.”

“Shepard…”

“I’m going. Zaeed and Grunt are backing me up.”

Steven sighed in defeat. Shepard was going regardless of what he said. She felt in her bones that she absolutely had to. She didn’t know why, but she wasn’t going against her gut. It had kept her safe this far. 

“Just be careful,” he told her with sincerity. 

“Always am,” she answered automatically. Was that something she normally said?

* * *

“Shepard,” Zaeed growled at her as the three of them dove behind some cover. “You’re as crazy as fucking ever.”

“Is that good or bad, Massani?” She asked through gritted teeth as she reloaded her pistol and stole a look around the corner towards the enemy.

“That’s _good_ , Shepard,” Grunt answered. “Really, really good. Heh. Heh. Heh.”

“Well, that’s good, then,” she answered, unsure if it was really, really good. 

The entire operation since they had stepped foot off of the shuttle had gone batshit wrong. Half the time she felt as if they were just stumbling blindly into enemy fire and that sheer willpower and a little bit of luck, and most probably dumb luck, was all that really kept them from dying. Was _this_ how she had saved the galaxy? By fucking accident? Maybe it was best that she didn’t remember that.

“Move!” Grunt yelled, lumbering around the corner and spraying cover fire as she and Zaeed ran for it.

* * *

Deep in the heart of the batarian encampment, they finally came upon the little room where Balak was being held. The Council had requested minimal bloodshed, but her team had been given little choice on following that directive. Every single batarian between them and the way they had come in was dead. Zaeed and Grunt were doing a few last sweeps of the immediate area while Cortez was trying to locate a closer landing zone.

That left Shepard to deal with Balak. The trio had located him mid-torture session. He was tied down to a small table with straps of wire that appeared to give off some kind of electrical current. It was a little more thought out than her own torture table. His captors were taking pleasure in sending increasing pulses of electricity through the wires and watching as Balak’s muscles and body writhed and jumped in response. They were all dead now and Shepard was working on disabling the torture device.

“There,” she said, looking up from the equipment and over to Balak. “Anything?”

The batarian bravely cautioned a movement of his arm and leg and then blew out a long, hard breath of relief. “Nothing,” he sighed. “I think you’ve done it.”

Jane worked at removing the tight cording from where it wrapped around Balak. In several places it had embedded itself into his skin and she tried to be as gentle as possible while ripping it and some of his skin away. For his part, Balak weathered the painful ordeal with a few agonized grunts and some quick intakes of breath. When he was finally free, she stepped back from the table and began to scoop up some discarded clothing from the floor and place it next to the batarian. 

The first thing that Balak did was to scoop them up and place them onto his lap. He was entirely naked. Shepard had been too focused on killing his captors and disabling the torture equipment to worry about noticing his private parts. But she saw him now as her eyes traveled over him. Blood flowed from his wounds over rough skin rippled and dented by a strong, well-defined musculature beneath. She thought it must’ve been difficult to subdue him as his expression and his build suggested that he was no easy target. 

“This must please you greatly,” he breathed and when her eyes traveled up to meet his, she found him studying her intently.

Shepard shook her head. “Still don’t have my memory back and no one’s felt it necessary to clue me in on our history, so - no, this doesn’t please me.”

The batarian silently slid his discarded shirt back onto his lacerated back. Every movement seeming to cause him pain.

“For the record,” Jane said, her voice a little hoarse with an unidentified emotion. “I don’t care what our history is, I don’t think I would take pleasure in seeing anyone suffer this way.”

Balak stopped what he was doing and settled all four of his eyes upon her. “I actually think you’re right about that.”

They stood looking at each other for a long moment before she finally turned her head away to grant him some privacy while he finished dressing. She heard him slide off of the table and tried her best to leave him to his own devices since she thought that was what him and his pride would prefer, but when she heard a surprised grunt accompanied by a crashing sound, she turned around to find him on his knees hanging onto the side of the small bed with his pants around his ankles.

“I could help,” she ventured.

Balak snorted in response. “Commander Shepard helping me pull my pants up? I don’t think I could fall much lower.”

“Better than Commander Shepard helping you pull your pants down, huh?” She took a shot at levity and it seemed to work. The batarian looked up at her with a puzzled expression that morphed into what she was going to categorize as a batarian smile although even their smiles were a tad bit menacing. “C’mon,” she said. “I had to get help getting my armor on today. Call it a trend.”

He seemed to ponder on her words for several heartbeats before he finally answered, “Why the hell not?” And when she walked over to him and began to help him to his feet while pulling his pants up over his thighs and hips he added, “Maybe this can be another one of those things that you can’t seem to remember.”

She closed the fasteners on his trousers and shirt and slid his large feet into his shoes. When she stood up and looked at him she said, “Already forgotten.”

“Thank you,” he said but the words seemed to leave a bad taste in his mouth. Then Balak looked at her oddly and asked, “Who helped you into your armor today?”

For some reason she felt protective of that piece of information and regretted even mentioning it at all. “That’s classified,” she quickly returned. “And I’d prefer if you conveniently forgot that I said that, too.”

Balak lifted his chin in a defiant gesture but the expression on his face was one of a cunning curiosity. “Already forgotten,” he replied with another menacing batarian smile.

“Shepard?” Zaeed stuck his head into the little room. “You ready in here? We’ve got an LZ cleared just a few clicks away.”


	10. Chapter 10

A few days later, Shepard was overseeing the release of Balak. There was a list of instructions and medications she had to go over, but it seemed like she was familiar with all of them. With her body littered with scars, it was likely she’d done plenty of her own after-care. 

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I can sleep on my couch and you can have the bed for the next couple of days.”

“Why won’t they let me just return to my quarters on Earth?”

“To make sure there’s no blood clot complications from the electric torture,” she answered. “I’ve also received news that the mass relays have passed the testing phase and are being returned to their normal functionality.”

“My people can go home?”

“As soon as their leader is healthy enough,” Shepard told him. 

From what she’d heard, many species were eager to return to their homeworlds. She didn’t feel like she had one. Home was where the family is and Steven told her she had no living blood relatives that he knew of. 

“That’s something for you and Admiral Hackett to work out, it’s above my paygrade,” she added.

From all she’d learned thus far, Batarians weren’t exactly honorable people. But Shepard had heard nothing but kind words from reports of the families that shared their homes with stranded aliens. Balak’s brother being one of them. Shepard kind of missed that familiar face.

* * *

After making sure everything classified was locked away in her closet with her gear, she helped Balak up the stairs to her room. “There’a a bathroom there, hundreds of books in the little sitting area out there, and an intercom button if you need anything. Try to take it easy and watch a vid or something.”

The man said nothing as he carefully sat on the end of the bed. Pride was a fickle bitch, she knew that. 

“We need to redress your wounds then you can do whatever,” she told him. Doctor Shepard to the rescue. 

He sighed, “When you find your memories, you will regret doing all of this for me,” he told her roughly, the sting of pain lacing his words as he removed his shirt.

“Not very often I get to ogle a muscular man, so just shut up and let me enjoy the view,” she teased.

* * *

_Steven: Are you home?_

_Jane: Not a good time._

_S: That’s a first. Why?_

_J: I’m trying to redress Balak’s wounds._

_S: Come by when you’re done please._

_J: Can’t you just come by, my hands are full of batarian right now._

_S: No._

* * *

Shepard pressed the button to his door but it didn’t open to her. It merely let Steven know she was waiting. Seeing how he could come and go from her quarters as he pleased, she found that a little unfair. Maybe she needed to change her door security codes.

“Why the hell do you have a terrorist in your apartment?”

“Terrorist?” She hadn’t even made it fully though the door and he was tearing into her. 

“Balak,” Hackett said in disgust. “I should have ordered you to read the damn reports.”

“Not this crap again,” she muttered. The sudden tension in her neck had her squeezing the muscles in an attempt to loosen them.

“This crap? He killed dozens of humans out of hate, Shepard.”

“Before the war?” She continued at his nod, his eyes were glinting dangerously. She shrugged. “People change.”

“Not people like him,” he growled.

“He saved my life when he could have raped and killed me. That’s enough for me right now,” she told him. 

“It’s not enough for me!” Hackett said, his voice raising in anger. “I can’t believe you would bring him _into_ your home. With your children!”

“I’ll have you know my boys are perfectly capable of protecting themselves.” Her veins felt like they were on fire. “What I do inside my apartment is my business. Who I let in my bed is MY. FUCKING. BUSINESS.”

“He’s sleeping with you!? What the fuck is wrong with you, Shepard?”

His words stung. They were unfair, she knew he was upset, but still...they stung. She straightened up, pushing her shoulders back defiantly. “I don’t know how to answer that question, Admiral,” she said coolly. “I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

Her tone and demeanor seemed to cool the Admiral’s ire, maybe even make him contemplate his words. His expression softened just a hair, he was still angry and obstinate but now it was tempered with caution. “Shepard,” he began again, his teeth still set on edge as he spoke. “I’m only trying to warn you. You...you’re making these decisions and you don’t have all the facts, your memories-”

“May never come back,” she cut him off with her voice raised. 

They stared at each other and she felt this wall coming up between the two of them and over what? A strange batarian that had a questionable past? Was it worth it? What was wrong with her? Was allowing Balak into her apartment really such a horrible mistake? It just didn’t feel like it. And Hackett had made it more than clear that he didn’t want to be a part of her personal life and this was personal. 

“Shepard,” he began and then seemed to change his mind on something. “Jane,” he then corrected. “What I’m trying to tell you. I guess what I’m trying to say is: this...this isn’t you.”

Something broke free inside of her. Something she had been holding back without really even knowing it. “Who am I, then?” She yelled, her voice breaking as emotions poured over. “Who the fuck am I? Tell me, please!” 

“I don’t know!” Hackett returned, equally frustrated. “You’ve never let me this close before.” He looked pained as he ran a hand through his hair. His voice was calm, he was calm when he added, “Ask someone else. Someone close to you. I...I can’t help you.”

_Someone close? Who is that supposed to be when I have no memory?_ She sighed, balling her hands up into fists as she reigned in her emotions. This was her life now. She couldn’t continue in this holding pattern waiting until her memories returned. She had to move forward even if it meant she wasn’t the same person as before. “Is that all, Admiral?” She asked in a soft voice. “I’d like to get back to my apartment.”

His cool blue eyes studied her for a moment. The soldier in him knew that he had no right to prevent her from doing what she would inside the walls of her apartment. What the man inside of him was thinking, she couldn’t venture to guess at. But the soldier won out in the end. “I think I have made my opinion clear,” he said and there was something in his eyes that looked like regret. “You are free to go.”


	11. Chapter 11

Jane walked down the dark hall of her apartment. It was the night cycle and once again she could not find sleep. Kolyat and Grunt weren’t home, Balak was sleeping in her room. She entered Kolyat’s room and flicked on the lights. His room was neat and tidy as if no one lived in it. Very much like her drell son who seemed to blend in with his surroundings. 

She walked over to the punching bag and took a tentative swing. And then another. And another. The rhythm came naturally to her, probably more of her training that she couldn’t remember. As her feet began to move and the bag began to swing rhythmically, she pulled her nightshirt off and continued to workout in her sports bra and underwear.

It was unclear how long she danced with the heavy bag before she realized that she had attracted an audience. Catching a slight movement in the corner of her eye, she placed both hands on the bag, steadying it as she turned to look at her guest.

“Did I wake you?” She asked him.

He was looking at her oddly, all four of his eyes seeming to rove over her and drink her in. “It’s morning,” he replied matter-of-factly as he leaned against the door jam and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Damn,” she replied. “Is it really? I must’ve really lost track of time.”

“You didn’t sleep?”

She dropped her hands down and away from the bag and wiped the back of her right hand against her sweaty forehead. “No, I guess not.”

Balak pushed away from where he had been leaning and took a step towards her. “Do you ever sleep?”

She wasn’t sure why she felt ashamed of admitting she had insomnia, as if she had been sniffing red sand in a back room but she felt a heat creep up into her cheeks as she shook her head and replied, “I have slept. I am familiar with the concept.”

He gave her that menacing smile that she was all too familiar with now. Not half as menacing to her as it used to be. It was given to her over batarian scrambled eggs while she hummed in delight as she ate them. She saw it as he spoke to her about his home and his brother. And she saw it now as he took another step towards her and something fluttered down low in her belly.

“Deflection?” He asked. “You’re lucky I know you so I know that’s as good as an outright lie.”

She swallowed. He was nearer to her now and his expression was one she recognized. He was eyeing her with a predatory gaze. His tone was one that belonged in a bedroom. But it wasn’t any of that that had her knees bending beneath her. It was what he had said. “You know me?” She repeated more for her own ears than for his. Never had three words sounded so wonderful to her since she had been dug out of that rubble.

“Yeah, and I’d venture to guess that I know what you need to get some decent sleep.”

With those words, he had closed the final distance between them and he dipped his head down onto her shoulder pressing his nose into her neck and inhaling deeply. There was no mistaking his intentions now and no pretending she didn’t know what he was proposing to her. She could hear and feel an aroused rumble coming up from his diaphragm and doing odd things to her insides.

“Balak,” she said and he seemed to take that as an invitation to step closer to her, pressing his body fully against hers and running his tongue up from the crook of her neck and up behind her ear, earning from her a full body shudder. “I’m covered in sweat,” she argued.

“Batarian women are outnumbered seven to one,” he replied, as if that was an answer. Sharp teeth nibbled at the soft flesh of her earlobe as he continued. “They’re often pursued as part of the mating ritual.” His hands joined in now, gliding over her slick skin up the sides of her waist and ending at the fabric of her sports bra. “There’s a chase and sometimes a fight and…” He ran his thumbs beneath the elastic strap and pushed the material up over her breasts. “They’re often,” he inhaled again as his thumbs brushed against her nipples and his tongue ran up the other side of her neck. “Covered in perspiration.”

Jane let her head loll back as he lathed at her neck again. She wasn’t sure if this was a good idea or not, but she was tired and it felt wonderful and who knew that sweat was some sort of aphrodisiac for batarians? And she did _want_ this. Every fiber of her being screamed for him to continue. “You are familiar with the saying: no strings attached?” She ventured, knowing for sure that she didn’t want to accidentally fall into some sort of interspecies commitment.

With her words, he pulled his head back enough for all four of his eyes to meet hers. They were dark with arousal but they were clear and sharp. “I’m not looking to marry you, Shepard,” he replied and then he made a sound that she could’ve sworn was the batarian’s answer for a chuckle before he added, “I’m just gonna fuck you until you pass out.”

She shut her eyes and sighed because as he spoke his hands and fingers became focused on his vocalized intention and she found herself unable to think, argue or question anything, any longer.

* * *

Jane rolled over with a long, drawn out groan. She felt as if she had been run over by a tomkah, chewed up by a thresher maw and then spit out and run over by the tomkah all over again. Crossing her arm over her face she let out a long, suffering sigh as she tried to remember what had happened. And then it hit her. _Oh._

Her eyes flew open and she looked around. She was in Kolyat’s bed but neat and tidy it most certainly was not. Half the pillows and the fitted sheet were strewn about the room. The few items of interest that Kolyat kept on his side table were knocked over or set askew. The coverlet was balled up beneath her head as a pillow and the flat sheet was wrapped around her naked body as if she had wrestled with it.

“Unh,” she groaned as she moved to sit up. Every muscle in her body ached but whether it was from her all-nighter with the punching bag, her marathon sex session with Balak or from sleeping for gods knew how long, she couldn’t say. She unwound herself from the sheet’s grasp and sat up on the side of the bed. She was naked - no surprise. And there were bruises and scratches on her hips, arms and other places where she could remember her batarian guest holding on for ‘purchase’.

“Shit,” she whispered to herself as she ran her hand across her face. As the drowsiness of sleep left her and she began to take stock of her mental state she had to admit to herself that in spite of all the physical soreness, she felt fucking great. She stood and gathered up her bra, underwear and sleep shirt and then padded barefoot down the hallway and towards the smell of something cooking in the kitchen.

“Good morning!” Balak greeted her about as cheerily as a batarian could be, she imagined.

“Morning,” she replied, sliding onto one of the barstools and taking the cup of hot coffee that he offered to her. Sipping at her coffee she looked out at the darkened sky through the wall of windows in her living room. It could be early morning or late evening, both looked very similar. “How long did I sleep?”

“About twelve standard hours,” Balak answered as he slid a plate of eggs in front of her and a few slices of toast.

“So it’s night?”

“Yes,” Balak replied, leaning against the counter and watching her eat. 

She was starved and made no attempt at worrying about her manners as she shoveled the food into her mouth. Her batarian friend didn’t seem to mind, in fact, he seemed to enjoy her zealous in relishing his meal. She felt no embarrassment. Hell, after everything she had let him do to her in that bedroom, there was no more room for shyness.

“More?” He asked, as he reached for her empty plate. 

“No,” she replied, leaning back and rubbing at her full stomach. “Thank you.”

She watched him as he began to clean up, sipping on her coffee as he washed her dishes and cleared the pans and other utensils from the range. 

“You made breakfast for me,” she said. “At night.”

“Break. Fast,” Balak replied, not bothering to turn and look at her as he answered. “Doesn’t matter what time of day it is.”

The front intercom chiming interrupted her response. Balak continued loading the dishwasher as if he hadn’t heard anything so she slipped off the barstool and walked over to the monitor.

[“Shepard? Are you alright?”]

It was Hackett. She was unclear why he was standing outside when he had her codes but she replied, “I’m fine. Why?”

[“I’ve been sending you messages all day and my code doesn’t work on your door any longer.”]

“What?” She said, looking down at her omnitool display and feeling a little dismayed to find numerous missed calls and messages from Hackett, Grunt, Kolyat and a few others. She looked back up to the monitor and said, “I don’t know-”

“I hacked and muted your omnitool when you fell asleep.” Balak’s voice chimed in from behind her. “And I disabled the Admiral’s access code.”

“You did what?” It seemed like she and Hackett spoke in unison.

“You needed your rest,” Balak replied evenly. “And I was tired of hearing you complain about Hackett having your codes and you not having his.”

Had she really complained to Balak about that? Maybe a few times after Hackett had come by unannounced. 

[“Shepard? Are you alright? Let me in.”]

She had turned to look at Balak to find him looking totally unabashed. When she turned back to face Hackett’s face on the monitor she felt wholly unapologetic. “I’m fine, Admiral. And no, now’s not a good time. I’ll speak with you tomorrow.”

[“Shepard, I don’t think-”]

She cut him off as she powered the monitor down. Turning toward Balak she crossed her arms over her chest. “You hacked my omnitool?”

“It kept buzzing. And like I said: you needed your rest. I didn’t want all of my hard work to go unrewarded.”

“Hard work, huh?”

“Are you mad about the Admiral?” He tilted his chin toward the monitor.

The expression on the batarian’s face told her that he had his suspicion regarding her and Hackett’s relationship. “No,” she replied, shaking her head. “It was high time that that was done.”

“Good,” he replied while all four of his eyes raked over her body from head to toe and back again.

“Look,” she said. “It’s getting late-”

“And you just woke up,” Balak interrupted taking a step closer to her.

“I need to shower,” she said. “And answer a few of these messages.” Kolyat and Grunt were probably worried sick.

“And then?” Balak replied, invading her space with another tentative step towards her.

“And then, what?”

“Well, I think it’s only prudent if you let me fuck you until you pass out again.”

Those words shouldn’t have had the effect they did on her, she knew. “Is that right?” She asked.

“Yes, if only because I’m worried that I might’ve knocked you off your sleep cycle.”

She smirked at him. “Only because of that?”

“That,” he said. “And maybe a few other things.”


	12. Chapter 12

Even after reading each and every file Hackett had given to her, she still had no tidbits of memory of any of her crew. But then, she hadn’t been sleeping well either. One seemed to affect the other. She couldn’t ask Steven to help because he was still angry with her. At least his professionalism made her think so.

With a sigh, she rose from her bed. There was no chance she was sleeping tonight. And asking Steven to help was out of the question. Balak was long gone, hopefully healthy and working to clean up his planet. He’d been a fun lay. Too bad she couldn’t brag about it.

“Shepard,” a relaxing voice greeted her as she entered the kitchen.

“Hey, Kol, off to work?”

“No, I’m off but I couldn’t rest anymore. The _Normandy’s_ return keeping you awake?”

“Yes,” she lied. She was excited and scared. What if she never remembered these people that had served with her?

“I think the Admiral wished to speak with you, he asked me if you were awake,” he told her. 

“Okay,” she replied. “I have a question…” His dark eyes met her green. “Do you ever call me any variation of ‘mother’ like Grunt does?”

“Ah,” he said, a small smile on his lips. Blue turned to green for a moment. _Thane_. “I do not.”

“Thane said that once,” she said softly. “But I don’t remember what we were discussing.”

“You loved my father.”

“Very much,” she confirmed.

“He loved you as well,” Kolyat told her. “But do not let his passing hold you in battle sleep. It was his one regret.”

“Battle sleep,” she repeated, the fuzzy pictures flying through her brain but refusing to emerge completely. “I wish my memories would just fill my brain already. It’s so frustrating.”

“The doctor said that remembering anything is promising.”

Jane squeezed Kolyat’s shoulder as she passed. He was a tall kid. “I’ll go see what Hackett wanted.”

* * *

_Jane: What do you need, Admiral?_

_Steven: Does the title mean you remember me, Jane?_

_J: No._

_S: You’re still angry with me then?_

_J: What do you need, I have things to do?_

_S: In the middle of the night cycle? Are you not sleeping well again? Do you need help?_

_J: No I don’t need help. Would you please get to the point of why you asked my son if I was awake._

_S: Not in the mood for playful banter, I see. I wanted to let you know the reports coming in from batarian space are good._

_J: Wonderful. Anything else, Admiral?_

_S: No. Are we back to war-time professionalism, Shepard?_

_J: Thank you. Have a good night.  
Jane has logged off._

* * *

The ship pulling into dry dock didn’t trigger anything. Not an iota. She watched in trepidation as the cargo ramp came down. She’d been dreading this. Not seeing them, her crew, but seeing the hurt in their eyes when no memories came forth.

From what she could see on the platform, they looked like a good bunch.

“Commander,” Hackett said behind her. “Time to meet your crew.”

“I got this,” she said waving off the escort. “Put my pants on all by myself and everything.” Fucking jerks treating her like she was fragile. 

She stood at the edge of the walkway as it extended to the landing pad, her crew smiling when they caught sight of her. Did she look different to them? She didn’t look like the same person in the holo’s to herself. 

“XO?” Shepard called out. “Status?”

“All accounted for, Commander,” the turian replied. His voice filled her with a calm energy. 

Before she could take more than a few steps onto the platform, she was surrounded by people. Familiar scents and voices washed over her.

_Home._ They were her home, these odd bunch of crew. No memories came forward, but for once she was okay with it. Arms wrapped around her, relief was spoken, and plans for a party were emerging. 

But not until the Doctor cleared them.

Shepard couldn’t help but chuckle at the groans, the doctor pushed through to wrap Shepard in a warm, motherly hug. Why hadn’t Hackett told her that these people were her family? That these auras were her home? Steve was next to be wrapped in love. Him and the huge human hugging a little longer than the rest. She wondered if she’d noticed the chemistry between the two before.

It didn’t matter, not really. Everyone was together again. 

At least that was what they kept saying. 

She still didn’t feel complete. Joyful, yes. And relieved. But fulfilled? Not even a little. There were things still missing, parts of her she didn’t understand. She never would if her memories stayed locked away.


	13. Chapter 13

It was closing in on a month since she’d had a good night’s rest. It had been a busy month at that. Balak, the _Normandy_ , physical rehabilitation… She’d been working pretty hard to get her body back to what she saw in the holos. After the exhausted state she’d been in post-rescue, she knew she was not cut out for battle with the body she’d rescued Balak with. 

There wasn’t much definition, but she was slowly getting it back. Even Zaeed had eyed her heatedly when he dropped by. The old man had a really nice ass and it was very tempting, but she was already overloaded with stimuli.

There had been more visitors in and out of her door since her ship returned. Everyone wanted to spend time with her regardless of the memory loss. They didn’t care that she couldn’t remember their name or how they met. They only seemed to care that she was there. The AI had been a shocker though. She’d thought it was a mech for Jeff. Or Joker. 

Even with all the excitement and the constant exercise, she lay awake in her bed nearly every night. She pretended to be sleeping when Kolyat was up for work. Her and Grunt’s schedules didn’t mesh depending on where he was helping out on Earth.

With there only being a few hours until her alarm went off, she rose stiffly from the bed. A nice hot soak and breakfast were going to have to count as her rest for the day. 

-

“Shepard, Chakwas cleared me,” Garrus told her as she slapped her sandwich together. These were getting rather boring, but food was food.

“That’s great,” she replied. She wasn’t understanding the odd look he was giving her. One mandible flared, a glint in his eyes… Surely if he was her best friend, she knew all of his facial expressions.

“Feel like hitting the arena? I could use a little fun.”

The arena? She’d spied the leader board from her apartment. Her name was at the top. “Here’s the thing, Garrus,” she started. If he was her best friend, then there had to be an open honesty. Turians were honorable, that much she remembered. “I can’t put on my armor without help because I don’t remember how to do it. But I can ready my weapons…”

“I’ve helped you with your armor hundreds of times, this time will be no different,” he told her gently.

“When I’m on the field, I feel like… It’s…” She sighed in frustration. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” Garrus sat down on a stool meant for humans. It couldn’t be comfortable for his spiky ass. “I need to get some stools for you,” she told him. “Anyway, when we were rescuing Balak, it was chaos. I was overwhelmed, I didn’t understand any of it.”

“That’s because I wasn’t on your six, Shepard.”

“What if I go, all those spectators watching me, and I fuck it all up?” What if she doesn’t measure up to her past self?

“Shepard,” Garrus said carefully, his armored hand covering her sweaty hand. “We can go now, before it opens, and just have a run through without a crowd watching us. Without cameras.”

“We can go before it opens?” She asked, surprised.

His dual tone chuckle made her smile. “You have an open invitation to that place. The owner loves you.”

No one to watch her fail, her supposed best friend on her six… It actually sounded nice. “Then what are we waiting for?” She asked him, her sandwich forgotten as she raced up the stairs taking two at a time. Garrus’ humored laughter followed her.

There was something about his voice that made her feel lighter. Almost childlike excitement filled her soul as he began to arrange her armor. There were no teasing remarks about not remembering which piece went where or what they were called. Instead, her best friend made her repeat the name of each piece as he showed her where they clipped into place. He taught her like he accepted she may never get her memories. She appreciated that far more than she could voice.


	14. Chapter 14

“Do we not need a third?” Shepard asked as the elevator opened up into the arena.

“We are such a badass team that a third will just slow us down,” he quipped. “Now, our usual tactic is having me up high. You use your assault rifle and omniblade. Those are your favorite weapons out here.”

“Okay,” she replied nervously. She’d used her pistol when they were rescuing Balak. She’d been afraid to shoot her own team.

“It’s just a simulation,” he told her. “Just breathe and dance to the rhythm of my gun.”

“Can I dance?”

“Well, Liara says we are the center of attention when we dance so I’m going to say yes. And we do it with incredible style.”

Somehow, that didn’t sound quite right. Garrus’ calm voice filled her ear as he took up his position. The simulator spawned a handful of enemies.

Her heart began to race and her lungs filled with air quickly. She was going to panic again. There were five enemies closing in on her and she froze. This wasn’t the same as it had been with Balak. Those enemies hid in cover. These bore down on her.

Shepard jerked when the sound of a sniper rifle echoed behind her, an enemy falling. Adrenaline filled her veins, her body shaking with pent up energy when the next shot took down another.

Visions filled her mind as her omniblade pierced the projection, her body spinning in what felt like slow motion as her assault rifle aimed and released a spray of bullets into the next enemy as Garrus took down the last. 

Before she could process her emotions and knowledge filling her brain, there was another wave spawning around her.

Her dark chuckle was foreign to her ears, but she accepted it as she slashed through enemies with a smile. The constant sound of Garrus’ rifle fire kept her moving, her body performing a graceful dance of destruction she’d only witnessed in helmet footage.

“There you are,” Garrus said. Shepard could hear the relieved smile. She couldn’t see it, but she knew it was there. “Welcome back, Shepard.”

She didn’t answer as she continued to battle. It was...freeing almost. Her body moved on its own, her brain still scrambled but _alive_ with memories. There were so many memories it was difficult to hold them at bay as she avoided a spray of false bullets. 

How long had she begged for these memories? Months and months of desperation and she was trying to hold up a mental dam just so she could get through waves of enemies. 

And it was easy, too easy to battle through them.

When the round was done, she stood on a platform overlooking the arena as she stared up at the maxed score board. 

Did badass superheroes cry? She sure did. Tears streaked her cheeks as Garrus joined her. She remembers him holding her when she sobbed after Thane’s passing. After Mordin. After Legion…

“How do you feel?”

“Confused,” she answered shakily. “But I remember you. Us, everything. I remember everything,” she whispered. 

“ _Now_ we’re a family again,” he told her, his armor clanking against hers as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “You ready for that party?”

“Yes,” she answered with a rough chuckle. “Hell yes. Invite everyone.”

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

“Garrus?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For… years of loyalty and friendship. And for this.”

“You taught me what loyalty is, Shepard. I was just returning the favor,” he answered. “Let’s go eat.”

“I want the biggest greasy cheeseburger at the diner we frequented on the strip,” Shepard told him as she dropped down effortlessly off of the platform. 

“I’ve avoided that place purposely hoping we’d get to eat there together. They make the best flacka.”

“Eww.” She knew what flacka was!

“Don’t be jealous because my food is better than yours,” Garrus teased as they entered the elevator. 

How could she have forgotten all of this? So many important things and not just work. It was this, the camaraderie that she was thinking about. But not just with Garrus. With Tali, Liara, even gumpy old Javik.

And Admiral Hackett. _Oh, shit._ Well… there went her career. 

With a sigh, she walked next to Garrus as they made their way down the strip arm in arm. Their conversation was lit with laughter and jabs at each other. Men and women cleared the way of the two heavily armed and armored heroes. But they all did so with a warm smile.

Yet she couldn’t help but feel confusion mixed in with the relief of having her memories. Now there were two of her inside the one body. And she could feel them both trying to stake their dominance.


	15. Chapter 15

With all of her leadership slash bosses knowing she was back, messages began pouring in. 

_Shepard we need you to barter with so and so…_

_Shepard, Aria will only talk trade with you…_

_Shepard, Shepard, Shepard, Shepard._

Now she knew why being called Shepard by anyone other than her crew drove her mad. Everyone wanted something. 

With the _Normandy_ in dry dock, there was little she was willing to do. Not without her crew. Garrus was always ready but they all deserved some good old-fashioned R&R. Paid vacation. The galaxy owed them all that much. 

Shepard was currently doing a walkthrough of her ship. Admiral Hackett wasn’t far behind her as he called off things he wanted done to her baby in between the things she was demanding be done. He didn’t argue with her requests. He just nodded his head in agreement.

It was somewhat awkward for her to be so close to him because of their very recent past and all the horrible flirting she’d subjected him to. She remembered why she kept space there between them. She had caught the feels for him. Probably had always had low-key feelings for him. 

That didn’t mean she hadn’t loved Kaidan or Thane any less. It just meant that Hackett was her superior, and it was against the regs for numerous reasons. They’d never slept together, rarely spoke and were the utmost respectful towards each other. She’d never shown him anything but professionalism. 

Until she’d been rescued.

Shepard had been completely unfair to him when she was lost in an empty mind. 

Which brought her to her memories of Balak. The batarian she remembered from her past and the man that had so thoroughly bedded her (and cooked for her) were two completely different men. She was glad she’d followed her gut on him though, instead of reading all the reports Hackett had wanted her to read. 

In fact, following her gut had been the right choice on a lot of things. 

Still, she couldn’t believe she’d been fucked so good by a man she once hated with every fiber of her being. And he had been respectful and careful. But also unashamed of enjoying her. 

While Hackett was busy with whatever he was doing, she fired up her omnitool to send a quick message off to Balak.

* * *

_Balak,_

_My memories have returned thanks to amazing friends and their unwavering loyalty. I know you said I’d regret showing you kindness once I got my head on straight..._

_But I do not regret anything._

_People can change, and you are proof of that._

_I wish the best for you and your people. And please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything at all to help rebuild. It’s long past time the Batarian people were able to live in freedom and happiness. It won’t be easy for you, but you are gaining allies._

_Your friend, Shepard_

_P.S. Please extend my thanks to your brother for all he did for me._

* * *

“Do you have a moment, Commander?”

She had just hit the send button when Hackett’s voice came from behind her. She watched as the message to Balak disappeared from her outbox and was sent on its way. Turning toward Hackett she stared at him for a long moment. If a former enemy deserved the truth, than certainly a former friend deserved the same.

“Is something wrong?” Hackett asked.

“Yes,” she replied. They were standing outside of the QEC and she tilted her head toward the secluded room and said, “Can I speak to you privately?”

“Of course,” he replied, extending his arm in invitation for her to enter the room as he followed.

She walked into the room and waited to hear the door slide shut before she turned around to face the Admiral. “Admiral,” she began and then corrected herself by saying, “Hackett.” Saying Steven sounded a little too personal.

“Shepard?”

“I wanted to apologize,” she said.

“For what?”

“For my behavior. While I...while I had amnesia.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Shepard.”

“There is. I was insubordinate. Unprofessional and...disrespectful.”

“Shepard, you have your memory back, don’t tell me you can’t remember that insubordinate is practically your middle name.”

“Unprofessional, then. You know what I’m talking about, sir.” Why did he have to make everything so difficult? Couldn’t he just let her apologize?

“I do know what you’re talking about,” he replied. “And there’s no need for an apology.”

“ _I_ think there is. I obviously made you uncomfortable by my unwanted advances and I want to apologize. I want you to accept my apology and I want things to go back to the way they were before. Just...just forget that all ever happened.”

The Admiral looked at her for a moment before he turned and walked toward the other side of the QEC until his back was to her. “Is this the part where we air everything out and be honest with one another?”

“That was the idea.”

He turned to look at her then and the expression on his face was one that she could never recall seeing on him before, even with all of her memories restored. “Then I repeat that I cannot accept your apology as there is nothing to apologize for.”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand,” she replied, even though the way her heart had begun to race she thought that she might understand.

“You never made me uncomfortable and your advances were not...unwanted.”

“But,” she stammered and had to swallow to get her thoughts into coherent words. “You pushed me away.”

“You weren’t yourself. Didn’t have your right mind.” He wet his lips and continued. “Don’t you think a small part of me wondered why you had never showed any sign of attraction to me prior to your amnesia? Or any hint after your memories returned?”

She bit her lip. “So, what are you saying?”

“When was the last time you slept well?”

 _What?_ “I don’t know.”

“Perhaps you’d like some help. If your indecent side is buried inside of you somewhere, I do miss being called Admiral Sexy Pants.” Shepard blushed. “Then there was the constant messages that stopped suddenly. You know the ones: _Are you naked?_ ” _Oh my god._ “Spoiler alert: I was.”

Suddenly her confusion disappeared and she frowned. “Wait a minute,” she said very seriously. “Let me get this straight. You’ve got a fucking sense of humor buried in there somewhere?”

The Admiral smiled a wicked smile that actually made her jealous. “That,” he replied smartly. “Along with a few other things.”

Her frown ticked to the side slightly. She couldn’t really be this lucky, could she? Taking a few steps towards him until he was within arms’ length, she replied, “Well, then. Permission to come aboard, sir?” And she reached out and grabbed him by his lapel, dragging him toward her the rest of the way.

“Shepard,” he replied, grabbing her by the biceps and halting her.

“What?” She whined. “Are you kidding me? I’ve never had to work this hard to get into someone’s pants before.”

“I appreciate that,” he chuckled. “And I do hope I’m worth the wait. But to that point, I don’t have a problem with whomever has been in your past but I am not accustomed to sharing.”

She sighed internally, relieved that his request was so easily fulfilled. “Duly noted,” she replied, stepping further into his space and running her hands down his sides and to the front of his trousers. “Now let’s test these waters, shall we?”

“Here?” He asked, his voice cracking a little no doubt due to what her hands were doing. “We’re in the middle of your QEC.”

“I know where we are,” she replied, kissing him quickly and deeply. “EDI?” She asked when she pulled away.

[“Yes, Commander Shepard?”]

“Lock the door and give us some privacy, please? If anyone asks, we’re testing out the QEC.”

[Understood, Commander. Consider it done.”]

“See?” She asked, smiling up at him.

“That didn’t make me feel any better, Jane,” he replied.

“It didn’t?” She asked innocently. Then, as she lowered down onto her knees, she asked, “What about this?”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE thanks to the amazing Mel for helping me with this fic. I love writing with you. SO much fun!
> 
> Thank you everyone for all the kudos and comments, you all are amazing folks and I'm so glad you enjoy this pairing as much as I do.
> 
> * * *

**3 Earth Years Later**

“Shepard?”

Jane turned toward the sound of her name from a faintly familiar voice. “Balak?”

“I’m flattered,” he replied as he walked closer to her. “Most humans think we all look alike.”

“I would hope that you don’t lump me in with ‘most humans’.”

“And I would hope that you found me unforgettable for reasons I don’t think it necessary to name.” 

He was flirting with her, no doubt and she enjoyed it - no doubt. “Really?” She asked innocently, definitely flirting back. She wasn’t dead. “I can’t imagine what it might be that you’re referring to.”

He took another step closer. She heard a familiar rumble coming from his chest. “Perhaps I can do something to jog your memory.”

He was close to her now, close enough to dip his head near the crook of her neck and inhale. She shuddered. It had been a long day and she had been chasing down a pair of skiddish quarians. She was definitely sweaty and she remembered what that did to batarians, at least to this particular batarian. “Perhaps you can,” she whispered back. It wasn’t like she was married.

“I’ve got a room not far from here,” he supplied.

She had been on her ship for weeks and hadn’t gotten laid in almost two months. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that she was absolutely tempted. Again: not dead. But she pulled away, thinking about light blue eyes and grey hair. “I can’t,” she breathed.

“That’s...disappointing,” he replied as he pulled away a little and all four of his eyes seemed to be studying her.

“I agree,” she replied honestly. “But, really. I can’t.”

“I can be very discreet, Shepard.”

Tempted. “I’m sure you can. But...” She shook her head. “It was good to see you.”

“Same.” He took a step away from her. He really did look as disappointed as she felt.

“You’re doing a great job, by the way,” she said. “With the rebuild and assimilation. I’ve been doing my best to keep tabs on you.”

“Thanks.”

She caught sight of one of the quarians and she stiffened. “I’ve gotta go. It was good to see you, really.” She didn’t wait for a reply but started to walk in the direction of her quarry.

“Shepard?”

She recognized Balak’s voice and turned back to look at him. 

“Tell the Admiral: he’s a lucky man.”

It wasn’t hard to guess how he knew. He had been right in the middle of their shenanigans back when she had amnesia. So she just nodded and then turned and walked away.

* * *

[“You getting any rest?”]

She was sitting at the small desk in her cabin with one foot up and her head resting on her knee. “What do you think?”

[“You’ll get them tomorrow and then you’ll get to come home.”]

“Yeah, maybe,” she grumbled. “Will you be there?”

He hesitated, it was answer enough. [“I’ll try.”]

She snorted. “You’re such a horrible liar. I don’t know how you ever negotiate anything.”

[“It’s only you that I can’t seem to lie to,”] he replied with a smirk.

“It’s not much of a homecoming when no one’s there to greet me.”

[“Kolyat’ll be there.”]

“Kolyat can’t quite give me the homecoming that I have in mind.”

[“What exactly did you have in mind?”]

“Why don’t you be there and you can find out?” She flirted. 

It was getting old, the time they spent apart. They had been together for three years now and work and obligations still took priority over the other. She couldn’t get mad at him about it, because she did the exact same thing. There were plenty of weeks that he spent alone at the apartment while she saved the galaxy one outlaw fugitive at a time.

When he didn’t answer her, she continued. “I saw Balak today.”

Another hesitation. Another one she knew the meaning of. [“Did you?”]

“Yeah, just ran into him in the market. Pure coincidence.”

Another hesitation. [“And how was he?”]

“Fine,” she replied. “He looked good.” Damn good. “I congratulated him, you know on everything he’s been doing with the Hegemony and for the batarians.”

Yet another long hesitation. [“Was that all?”]

She had never given him any cause to mistrust her. Yes, he knew that she remained a shameless flirt but he also knew that she didn’t let it go any further. “He offered to help me get some sleep.” Still, he could be jealous. He could be deliciously jealous in that hot and sexy sort of way. “Oh,” she said, lifting her head up as if just remembering. “He did say to tell you something.”

[“Me?”] He asked, disbelief filling his eyes.

“Yes. He said to tell you that you’re a lucky man.”

[“Did he now?”] The tone he used sent shivers up her spine and heat to her core. He was jealous.

“He did.”

A very long hesitation. [“Jane?”]

“Yes, Steven?”

[“Hurry home.”]

She leaned forward so that her nose was close to the screen. “You’ll be there?”

[“I’ll be there,”] he said and there was absolutely no hesitation whatsoever. 

She leaned back, a small smile on her plump lips before spreading her robe just enough to give him a view of the swells of her breasts. “Perhaps I could interest the Admiral Sexy Pants in an appetizer?” His tongue darted out to wet his lips as his eyes followed her fingers that skimmed over her collar bone. He loved tasting and marking her skin. “Unless you’re busy?” She smirked. “Then if that’s the case, I could give Balak a call…”

[“Stand up and strip, Jane,”] he growled. It was far too easy to get him riled up. 

“You better hope our boys aren’t home when I return, Steven. I’m not sure I’ll be able to wait until we get to our room,” She told him huskily as she let the robe glide down her body to land in a silent puddle on the floor.

“Trust me, Jane. The feeling is definitely mutual.” The sound of clothing rustling had her look back at her lover. 

“I’ve always trusted you,” she admitted. “But all those years of thinking about fucking you while having a conversation through the QEC…”

[“You fantasized about having sex with me while we were discussing war plans through the QEC?”]

“Spirits, yes,” she whispered. His chest bared to her. It wasn’t as good as being there, but it was definitely better than nothing. “Why do you think I sucked you off in my QEC room?”

“Spread your legs for me,” he ordered huskily. “I love this side of you, Jane,” he told her with sincerity. “And I love that I get you all to myself.”

“I suggest you use my war room on occasion,” she proposed.

His hum was quiet as he took her in. “That could be feasible,” he answered finally. “If only to help you sleep better.”

“I knew all of my horrible advances would work,” she told him with a cheeky grin as she let her hands glide over her skin.

His chuckle made her skin tingle. “You had me at Admiral Sexy Pants. Now show me how wet you are for me.”


End file.
